By Khalid Pottinger

Fear.

Yes, fear would be the first word that comes to mind. And not a fear that I had experienced before, either. This was new…and terrifying.

I knew that I loved my woman. And I knew that I loved kids…especially when they can go back to their house! But dude, I am twenty-one. Let’s be real. The most important things to me at the time were getting the flyest pair of Air Max and essentially looking out for myself. Something I could barely do, and barely did. So the thought of being responsible for another life and having to nurture that person into a better person than myself was daunting, to say the least.

It’s not like I didn’t know the source of the fear. My father and I didn’t have the greatest relationship. I did know him, I just never knew him. He was around, but not when things got real. Not when, as a young Black male, I needed a strong Black male adult who has been there to help me to navigate the minefield that is ahead.

Fortunately, I had a bunch of excellent male role models. My mother was the oldest and only female in a family of six children and my uncles stepped up to fill the ‘father’ role. Looking back now, I thank them for even attempting to guide me because – truth be told -I was a hard head. I thought I knew everything.

What I did know is that I didn’t want to be a statistic. I was going to make an attempt at creating a family. It was hard and, frankly, I was a kid myself. I didn’t have the right priorities and didn’t have much of an idea of what life was really about, but becoming a father was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I didn’t know that it was possible to experience love like that, in an instant, as soon as I saw her little brown face. It would have been easier to not be there, and I am being honest. It was easy for people who I didn’t know to believe I wasn’t going to be there. The stereotype goes something like this: I am a Black male. Therefore, I don’t need to stay with my kids and take responsibility. That in itself is an issue.

Here’s a little anecdote to illustrate my point: I had just begun a new job. It was my second or third day. I am doing my thing, cracking jokes and trying to get acquainted with my co-workers. And, as I often do, I talked about my daughter. Suddenly, I’m hit with a question that I wasn’t expecting: “How often do you see your kids?”

How often do I see my kids?

Really? Are you for real, dude? I respond, “Just as often as you see yours.” But I have to wonder…if my eyes were a shade of hazel or blue and not dark brown, and if my skin was, say, a tad more ‘Anglo Saxon’, would he even ask me that? Why did he make that assumption right off the bat?

Well, he made that assumption because we make that assumption. I had to really think about that. We all should think about why we make that assumption and why we accept it.

And why we need to break the cycle.

- Khalid Pottinger

In case you wanted to know, I have a boy and a girl now - and we are still a family unit.

We don`t do statistics in this house.

Khalid Pottinger is a Scarborough born and raised writer. He is the proud father of two. In addition to working with the Black Daddies Club, he is also involved in the launch of the Yeah Foundation, a not-for-profit organization dedicated to empowering marginalized and at risk youth through arts, education and health.

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